Losing Your Identity After Kids
I think it’s safe to say that when you have kids, EVERYTHING changes. Life as you know it is no longer the same and it happens so abruptly that I wasn't even sure when it happened. Is it when you find out your pregnant? Or when you finally hold your baby in your arms for the first time? Who knows, what I do know is that it does happen and it happens fairly quickly. All of a sudden you don’t even recognize the women staring back at yourself in the mirror. The sexy girl with hair and makeup always done wearing the latest fashion is no longer you. You become the mom that hasn’t done her hair and makeup in weeks, with eyebrows so bushy they need to be reshaped. Scary stuff.
This was me when I had my son almost 6 years ago. I fell so deeply in love with him that I forgot how to love myself. While you think giving your “all” to your child(ren) giving your all doesn’t mean you forget about who you are and what you need. Now, of course life changes no matter what but there are always way you can alter your needs based on your new life.
Once this momma finally started getting her groove back (almost 4 years later, yikes!), guess what I found out…. I was pregnant again! While this was planned and we were just trying, we got pregnant on the first try (which of course was a blessing.) Although with that came the many fears that come with the second child, one of them being “Oh my God, here it goes again. My son was so independent already that even though I had been through this before, I wasn’t sure if I could be good at this a second time around. The only thing that I was sure of was that I would not let myself go for 4 years around for a second time around.
Let’s be honest here, pregnancy was ROUGH! I was married, had a home to care for, and was pregnant with a 4 year old. I had no energy and looked like a homeless person for 80 percent of my pregnancy. I would have these battles in my head of wanting to look and feel my best but this little girl did not let me. So I figured let me give myself a break – pregnancy takes a toll on you! I knew once my daughter was born it would be different story.
One June 28th, we welcomed our precious baby girl Esme Loren into this world and while let me tell you 2 kids is like 5, it was so much easier for my husband and I the second time around. And honestly it came so easy to love myself and still love my husband, kids and home. I truly believe the secret to that is just to let some stuff go. Us women believe that we have to do it all with out sacrificing ourselves, well guess what? I came to the realization quickly that sometimes I have to choose between a load of laundry and some quiet time or cleaning the kitchen and taking a nice, relaxing hot shower. And though it may seem crazy reading that these are the things we have to chose between as new moms it is also reality.
I had so much mom guilt with my first, I always felt guilty for doing things that didn’t involve or directly benefit him. Guess what? News Flash.. Mommy feeling refreshed after getting a fresh mani does benefit my kids because I feel great afterwards. I feel rejuvenated to say the least. Leaving my kids with my husband just to go food shopping alone is exhilarating ladies, take notes!
I realized yes, I am a mom but I’m also ME! I love my kids, more than you can imagine but what’s going to happen to me once they are grown and doing their own thing but I’ve forgotten about myself for 15+ years? Can you say midlife crisis?! For sure! So ladies, I’m telling you, you will feel on top of the world if just at the very least, once a week you do something for YOU. Leave the kid with your husband or grandma, find a hobby that doesn’t involve a mom group, talk about things that have nothing to do with your kids, stay in touch with friends even if they don’t have kids. If you were friends prior to you having kids you should still be able to be friends after. Ask for help and if you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids. And while it may be harder for some where there is a will, there is a way. Let us be the best version for ourselves, for our babies.